Editor's Note: Carolyn Permentier
is a writer living in Arnold, MD. Her book, The Wacko From Waco, is
available online at www.bn.com
and www.iuniverse.com
(in the bookstore). Using her life as a model, she argues that religion is
a major factor underlying many of man's ills.
Ms. Permentier is a regular contributor to psst!
magazine.
Tell me doctor...
Am I insane or just
plain crazy?
I'm on the precipice ... teetering.
Careful, oops, nearly lost it that time! Watch out, here comes another
close one. Easy. Balance. Integration. Caution! This rope's getting
tighter and tighter. My balance is giving way. Oh no, which way will I
fall? To the left is the distant, unfathomable, uncharted, urging,
unknown. To the right is the safety of the known, logical, intellectual,
rational, conforming, decaying societal mayhem. But at east it's known.
But, I don't want to fall! Can't I just
walk this tight rope, veering, careening, hanging on by my fingernails,
catching myself as I try to fall, gathering myself together, brushing
myself off and starting all over again forever? Can't I just pretend I
don't know how crazy everything is and keep trying to make some sense of
it all, even though I know there's no sense to be made?
No, I don't think you can continue the way
you're going much longer. You cannot occupy two conflicting spaces at
once, otherwise it will take an unreasonable toll.
Oh yeah... who says? I've been doing it
for years!
And perhaps that's why you're crazy?
Are you patronizing me?
Crazy. I'm willing to admit that I'm a
"walking contradiction" and certainly entertained the notion
of being crazy too. So either way, I think that qualifies me to boast my
long-standing agility at walking the tightrope along this precipice,
don't you?
After all, what do you think it is that
makes for "good theatre?" Conflict. Were it not for conflict,
there'd be no story. But, too much conflict can drive you crazy. You
gotta have conflict, or there's no reason for life, is there? Viewed
from the perspective, of course, that life's just a story. Do you know
what I mean?
No I don't.
A story, you know, not real but made up.
Made up by whom?
By you, of course. And me. We made it up,
prior to coming to Earth, just to figure it out.
How much longer do you think you can hold
on, though?
Now that's a good question. How much
longer, indeed? How to know the difference between reality and
unreality? Sanity and insanity? Truth and lies? You see, these are the
questions that plague me.
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